I Am Who I’m Meant to Be

PHOTO BY SHAWN HUBBARD

MAR 30 2020
My parents drove five hours to see me.And they had five minutes to talk to me.

That’s all the time the doctor would allow while I was under supervision.

Five minutes.

How do you explain to your parents in just five minutes that you tried to kill yourself?

You can’t. That’s the answer. You just can’t.

I was so … ashamed.

I looked my mom in the eye, felt the handcuffs that locked me to my hospital bed tighten around my wrists, and I just had no words. Nothing. I went through all these different sentences in my head, trying to get them to make sense so I could spit out something. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Blank. I just wanted to sink into my bed and disappear beneath my gown.

But the handcuffs wouldn’t let me do anything.

So there I was, 22 years old. Twelve hours removed from cutting my own wrists. Five feet from my parents. Five minutes to spend with them.

And a lifetime to try to come to terms with what had happened.

Putting your thoughts — your darkest, most brutal ones — into words is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

There I was, 22 years old. Twelve hours removed from cutting my own wrists. Five feet from my parents. Five minutes to spend with them.Everyone asks, Why did you do this?

And I knew the answer. Maybe I couldn’t say it … but I knew it. Making it clear to someone else, though, is another thing altogether. They nod their heads, they say they understand but, of course, they don’t.

How could they? In five minutes?

I mean, it had taken me a long time to understand why I felt that there was no option other than to do what I did that night in 2016 in Columbia, South Carolina.


Not long ago my life looked like it was on track. I was going where I was supposed to go, doing what I was supposed to do. I had been a star athlete my whole life. I was the starting tight end for a big-time college football team. Everything seemed fine. Better than fine, actually. Everything seemed great.

Four years earlier, in 2012, I had been picked by the Pittsburgh Pirates in the 17th round of the MLB draft. My whole life was about sports. I grew up in Jacksonville during Tim Tebow mania. Our family house was on a cul-de-sac, and I’d spend hours on hours playing whatever I could in the street with my dad or my friends.

In eighth grade, I threw 91 mph. I was growing so fast — a foot in a year — that I had to have Tommy John surgery when I was 14. Not because I’d thrown out my arm, but because my ligaments couldn’t keep up with the rate at which I was growing and putting on muscle. I recovered from the surgery just fine, and by my senior year I started to get attention from MLB scouts. My parents and I were prepared for a future that involved pro baseball.

Mike Janes/Four Seam Images via AP Images

When the Pirates offered me nearly half a million dollars to sign with them to play minor league ball, I was ready. And my family and I made sure we thought everything through. I remember talking to my dad about the deal.

He said, “Hey, worst case scenario, it doesn’t work out. You just come back and play football in college, right?”

Right. But in my mind, I just wanted to play baseball. I was 18. Drafted by the Pirates. I was on my way to the Show.

There was no other pitcher who was going to outwork me. I knew that. There was no hitter who was going to be more prepared than me. I knew that. But what I didn’t know was that the biggest obstacle — the one that would punch me in the face, over and over again — was … me.

It was my body that failed, my mind.

And I remember the moment it happened.

I was doing a bullpen session down in Bradenton, and I threw a pitch wide. And then threw another one wide. And then another. And another. All of a sudden things started moving quickly. I could feel the tips of my fingers going numb. The ball was drenched in sweat the second it touched my hand. My wrist was shaking. I was embarrassed, shocked, confused. I went back to my apartment and tried to just forget about it.

But the next day, same thing.

Every pitch — every time the catcher had to move from his squat to go get the ball — this imaginary fist would squeeze my chest. I was being crushed. My heart rate would skyrocket, my mind would race. The pitcher in the pen beside me walked off his mound.

“Get this kid away from me.”

“That s*** is contagious.”

Contagious?

What the f***?

What is this?

What is with me?

The next three years were hell.

As a man of God, I don’t use that word lightly.

Hell.

Every pitch — every time the catcher had to move from his squat to go get the ball — this imaginary fist would squeeze my chest.Every day was a battle with my mind. Because even though I could work on my body — begging it to come back to me, to work how it used to — the fight was actually in my mind. My family is a tight-knit group. We’re always looking out for one another, making sure nobody ever feels alone. But I couldn’t bring myself to tell my parents the truth. Every year I’d tell them that the next season would be the one in which I’d make it out of rookie ball.

I was alone.

The days were filled with shame, embarrassment. So were the nights. But I had an out at night. I could drink. So I did. And I would drink as much as I could until I couldn’t feel the shame — until I couldn’t feel the fist gripping my chest. I drank with the sole purpose of blacking out. That’s the truth.

I’d wake up a few hours later, and get ready for my 6 a.m. workouts with Scott Elarton. He was a pitching coach for the Pirates. And, along with my parents and my incredible sister, Kylie, Scott is a huge part of why I’m here today, alive, writing this.

I owe Scott so much.

He used to work with me away from everyone else so I wouldn’t have to feel the shame, see the glares. We did everything he could think of to try to fix my problem. Weighted balls. Huge targets. A new motion.

But the yips … they exist in your mind. Not in your shoulder.

I think, after a while, we both knew that.

Sometimes we’d get close. I’d look like I was getting it back.

And then I’d get into a game, and, man … I’ll never forget the sound when I hit a kid in the head with a pitch. Knocked him out. I stood there, 60 feet, six inches away, watching him lying there, still as a rock. The sound of the ball smacking against his helmet echoed in my head, while I screamed into my mind.

You f***ing monster. Look what you did. What’s wrong with you?


The end came in 2015. Spring training. I was working with Scott and it just wasn’t happening. Nearly three years of trying to beat this … this … whatever it was. And no progress. I threw another one high and wide, walked off the mound and just started crying. Scott came over. We cried together.

It was over.

We’d lost.

He asked me what else I was passionate about. And for so long the answer would be nothing. But that passion had died somewhere along the way in Bradenton. So I thought of football. I thought of watching Gator games as a kid, I thought of playing in high school and how much I’d loved it.

I told Scott it was time we got my dad down there to talk about what was going on, and what I needed to do. My dad had coached football when I was younger, he knew I could make the switch. I had the size, the strength.

Through the years I had given my parents glimpses into my struggles, but had never quite been able to tell them the whole truth. To open up to my dad, when I had finally decided it was over, felt like a release in a way.

He told me, “This thing … these yips, they won’t follow you.”

They didn’t follow me. But everything else did.

Your mind, well … it comes with you wherever you go.

Shawn Hubbard

I was lucky enough to know a QB at South Carolina named Perry Orth. He helped to get Steve Spurrier, the Gamecocks’ coach, to come down to Jacksoville to watch one of my workouts. He offered me a preferred walk-on spot for the 2015 season. I felt like I was turning a new page. I believe in second chances, and I also believed in myself. My freshman year was solid. I got in a few games, started impressing some coaches and making a name for myself.

But, man, there is just something about the nighttime.

No matter how good my day had been, or how well I had played … when the sun set, I just felt like the same old Hayden. I kept drinking like I had in Florida.

In my darkest moments, I would remember something that had happened long ago. When I was 10, my uncle committed suicide. He’d struggled with alcoholism. Two years after he died, his son committed suicide, too. I remember seeing the paramedics loading his body bag into an ambulance. None of it made sense. But by the time I started drinking in Columbia, my cousin’s decision to commit suicide was beginning to become almost understandable.

One drink, and I’d feel the weight of failure.

Two drinks, and I’d think about all the lies I’d told myself.

Three drinks, and I’d feel the fist on my chest again.

And eventually I’d fade into the night.

Incoherent, afraid, angry, sad, confused, depressed, anxious.

One night in January 2016, I don’t know exactly what happened, but I mixed alcohol with pills and … I really don’t know.

When I woke up the next morning, my wrists were all bandaged up and handcuffed to the hospital bed. I still had my shirt on. It was covered in my blood. Someone came and told me what I had done. I didn’t know how to react. I had a thought.

If I’d had a gun, I would have died last night.

My parents came to see me a few hours later. That day is a blur — those few weeks are, really. But what I remember was the feeling of never ever wanting to be that broken again — maybe it was because the whole experience had scared me straight. I knew that whatever I did next in my life, I was never going to go back to this point.

In that hospital bed I barely felt human. But also I had never felt more alive.

Sean Rayford/AP Photo

There’s a lot to absorb in the wake of a moment like that. I knew one thing for sure, though: I had to give myself over to my family and my support group. I had to open up and be real for once. No more secrets, no more isolated emotions. Waking up in those handcuffs — that was my real second chance. That was my real opportunity to rid myself of the demons that had found their way into my mind in Florida.

So I did whatever was asked of me. I started meeting with a therapist on campus. Dr. Malone and I would talk through everything. It was just … I can’t explain really how helpful it was just to be able to talk to someone and not feel any fear of repercussions from what I might say. I leaned on our new coach, Will Muschamp. Our strength coach, Jeff Dillman, would open up the weight room to me at all hours so I could get in there and release some energy. So many people on campus knew little bits about what I was going through, and they were all so helpful.

I thank God for those people, and for the University of South Carolina.

Of all the things Dr. Malone helped me with, the most crucial was the way he made me feel comfortable enough to be more open with my family. Like I said, we are tight-knit, but there are some things that are just hard to tell your parents. Dr. Malone made that easier. And now I’m closer with my family than ever before.


Looking back on that day in the hospital, the night before, the yips in Florida — all of it … sometimes I have to pinch myself to realize that I’m here, that I’m alive and that I’m all right.

I haven’t had any alcohol since that night. I haven’t touched any substances. My mind is clearer than it’s ever been. There are good days and bad days — and it’s important to acknowledge and accept them. I know that now.

I’m heading into my third year in the NFL. After three seasons at South Carolina, the Ravens drafted me in the first round in 2018. Now I’m an Atlanta Falcon. I couldn’t be more excited to be a part of this organization, but I will also be forever grateful to Baltimore. The Ravens took a chance on me, and I hope I helped build something that will last a long, long time in that city.

When I started to tell people what I had been through, I got hundreds of responses from people in Baltimore. They told me that they had been through similar things, or that they had a family member who was going through similar things. All the Ravens fans in my Twitter DMs who were sending me love and saying how proud they were of me — that’s real love.

Thank you, Baltimore. Bless y’all.

While I was a Raven, I started the Hayden Hurst Family Foundation to raise awareness of mental health issues in adolescents and teens, and to fund mental health services. As much as I love football — and boy, do I love football — I hope that the legacy of this foundation is just as big as the one I leave on the field.

Shawn Hubbard

When I tell my story now, I try to use detail because, I think, if someone had told me that they had struggled like I did — I never would have believed them. But to find the light, you have to know how dark it can really get. So I hope that, if there’s someone out there who can relate to this story at all, they get this message:

There is so much strength in your weakness.

Understand that.

There is help for you, like there was help for me. I didn’t want to find it at first and it nearly cost me my life. There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about that. But I did find help. And it changed my life. I’m thankful for everyone who had a hand in my recovery, especially my family. Mom, Dad and Sis — I love you guys so much. Thank you.

If they weren’t the people they are, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

And I know, without a doubt, I am exactly who I’m meant to be.

As the COVID-19 pandemic continues to spread throughout the United States and Northeast Florida, Jacksonville Jaguars cornerback Tre Herndon and his girlfriend Treyleanna Robinson have stepped up in a major way.

Herndon and Robinson have partnered with Feeding Northeast Florida, a local food bank that serves the Jacksonville area, to support those who have been impacted by the COVID-19 outbreak. Herndon and Robinson have pledged a donation that will provide 10,000 meals to residents that Feeding Northeast Florida serves.

“Proud to have you as a part of our Jaguars family, @_423hern ,” the Jaguars tweeted from their official team account. “Let’s all do what we can to help one another during this challenging time.”

Herndon is a third-year player who entered the league as an undrafted free agent in 2018. Due to his status as an undrafted player on a smaller contract (made $570,000 in 2019), Herndon’s donation to the local Jacksonville community amid the COVID-19 outbreak is even more commendable.

Feeding Northeast Florida is a key service in the fight against hunger in Jacksonville and throughout the state, and the donation of over 10,000 meals comes at a key time in which many are struggling due to the impacts of COVID-19.

“It means everything to an organization like ours,” Sarah Dobson, Feeding Northeast Florida’s director of development, told JaguarReport when asked about Herndon’s donation.

“During a time like this, we find that those who are most vulnerable, the people who are struggling to make ends meet already, are the ones who are hardest hit when something like this happens. So to have leaders in the community like Tre and like other members of the Jaguars to step forward and to work for the people with the greatest needs, it means so much.”

Dobson said Herndon’s large donation is especially impactful because of the example it can set for others in the community to follow. By giving back, he shows that the community can band together during a time of uncertainty.

“It is great. I don’t know how else to say it. Every bit helps. A large donation like Tre’s to the hundred dollar donations that someone can give right from their credit card or checkbook, every bit helps,” Dobson said.

“Being that inspiration to bring the community together at a time where we are full of anxiety and we don’t know exactly what the future looks like, that means so much.”

Earlier this week, Jaguars owner Shad Khan donated $1 million in support of northeast Florida’s response to the COVID-19 crisis. The donation is designed to provide essential support to local organizations focused on the immediate health and well-being of First Coast residents.

“I want to say thank you to every group or individual who is personally stepping up for the people of Jacksonville during these uncertain times,” Khan said. “It’s my privilege to help.

“However, the most important gift is the one everyone in Jacksonville can share with one another, and that’s to heed the direction of our health authorities here and nationally so we can get past this safely and successfully. Let’s get through this together but let’ s do it by staying home. We’ll catch up in Jax soon, in good health and spirit, and I look forward to that day.”

For the moment, Pierre Desir is a lot like the rest of us.

The Colts cornerback is spending most of his time at home, hanging out with his kids, helping them with the e-learning they’ve been assigned since schools closed due to the outbreak of the coronavirus pandemic, trying to find a way to work out and stay in shape with gyms across the country closed.

Trying to find a way to help.

Desir found it Wednesday. He’d been talking with his agency, Enter Sports Management, about a possible outreach, saw the $1 million donation Colts owner Jim Irsay made to Gleaners Food Bank this week.

“For me, I understand that most of the kids in the poverty-stricken areas of St. Louis, the meals that they get at school are very important to them,” Desir said. “I just wanted to do my part. I reached out to the St. Louis Food Bank to see what I could do to help.”

Then Desir pledged a donation large enough to provide more than 20,000 meals to struggling families during this crisis.

Desir, who was born in Haiti and moved to St. Louis at the age of four, has a deep love for the city he was raised. Ever since he made it in the NFL, he’s found ways to reach back out to his home community. Desir washed the feet of students and gave them shoes at Northview Elementary, in a story first reported by the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, and he made a $185,000 donation to his high school, Francis Howell Central, to build a performance center last year.

“Being in a different city in Indy, and then being able to come back home, I just want the community to know that even though I don’t live there year-round, that I still care for them,” Desir said. “I’ll do whatever I can to help.”

The Colts cornerback does plenty in Indianapolis, too. Desir puts shoes on the feet of 1,000 Indianapolis kids each holiday season through Samaritan’s Feet, has a ticket block at Lucas Oil Stadium for the Dream Alive Foundation, hosts a Thanksgiving meal distribution.

For all of those efforts, Desir was the Colts’ Walter Payton Man of the Year nominee last year.

And he’s the kind of person who has to jump in and help when a crisis happens, when the full effects of the coronavirus pandemic began to slam into cities across the country this week.

The St. Louis Food Bank was happy to hear him call.

“They have over 10,000 people in need of service,” Desir said. “Once I heard that, I just said, what can I do?”

Desir’s donation will go a long way.

And it might not be the last thing he does in the middle of this crisis.

“That’s a good start,” Desir said. “But I’m going to be in touch with them, reach out to different groups and see what I can do.”

He’s already doing an awful lot.

Indianapolis Colts cornerback Pierre Desir (35) takes a photo with a fan before the start of their game against the Los Angeles Chargers at Dignity Health Sports Park in Carson, CA., on Sunday, Sept., 8, 2019. (Photo: Jenna Watson/IndyStar)

WESTFIELD – Kendall Coleman is lined up across from a legend, coiled like a predator ready to strike, hands chopping, eyes locked on the black punching mitts Robert Mathis is tapping together.

Mathis throws his right hand, Coleman’s right hand flashes to parry the strike and the pair begins to move, Mathis slowly retreating with the steady, calm look of an expert, Coleman’s brow furrowing as he advances, both men’s hands flying in a flurry of attacks and blocks, hands getting faster and faster the farther they move down the field at Pro X Athlete Development.

Coleman blocks one last blow and the pair separates, Mathis turning, a hint of a smile on his face.

“I think this kid is going to be the steal of the draft,” Mathis said.

Coleman, the Cathedral High School product who caught the NFL’s eye with a productive career at Syracuse, is living an Indianapolis kid’s dream, preparing for the NFL Draft by learning the art of the pass rush from the Colts legend he idolized as a kid.

The more Mathis works with him, the more he sees some of himself in Coleman, sees the same kind of chip on his shoulder that he carried coming out of Alabama A&M 17 years ago.

“He went to Syracuse, which is a Power-5 school, true enough, but he’s still an underdog. He’s not getting the pub, he’s not getting the shine, per se, and he’s in the sense of the word, still in the shadow of his running mate,” Mathis said. “I can see it in his eye: ‘OK, they’re sleeping on me. I don’t like that they’re sleeping on me, so I’m going to do something about it.’”

This isn’t the first time Coleman has learned the tricks of the trade from Mathis.

Back in second or third grade, Coleman went to one of the camps Mathis held for kids in the Indianapolis area; he still has the signed jersey and the ball at his house.

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But there must have been hundreds of kids who played in one of Mathis’ camps during his playing days in Indianapolis.

Coleman’s one of the few who could follow Mathis to this level.

‘Who is this kid?’

From the moment he started playing for his dad, Kevin, it was clear Coleman was on a different level athletically. He grew up playing sports 11 out of 12 months of the year, traveling around the country to play as he got older. Coleman remembers watching Mathis and Dwight Freeney terrorize quarterbacks, desperately wanting their jerseys, mimicking their moves.

When he was in eighth grade, Coleman went to a Cathedral football camp with the high school team, walked up to a Fighting Irish regular, Johnny Kelley, and laid out his future.

“It sounds so arrogant,” Coleman says with a grin now. “Apparently in the middle of camp, I told him I was going to come to Cathedral and start varsity, I was going to go D-I, and after that I was going to go to the Combine and go to the NFL. And he was just looking at me like, ‘Who is this kid?’

Coleman started getting scholarship offers as a junior at Cathedral, and initially committed to the first school that offered him, Western Michigan, in part because his parents didn’t like college coaches constantly pulling him out of class on recruiting visits. A few months later, the assistant coach who recruited Coleman, former Michigan back Mike Hart, left to take a job on the staff Dino Babers was assembling at Syracuse, and one of Hart’s best friends, Vince Reynolds, also landed with Babers as the defensive line coach. The trio persuaded Coleman, a three-star prospect who had interest from Indiana and nine of the 12 MAC schools, to commit to Syracuse.

That’s when Coleman’s NFL dreams started to come into focus.

After a slow start to his career and a frustrating, injury-plagued sophomore year, Coleman exploded onto the NFL’s radar as a junior, racking up 10 sacks while working in tandem with another NFL prospect, Alton Robinson, at defensive end on the other side.

“I got a message from Johnny Kelley on Instagram,” Coleman said. “And it was like, ‘I didn’t know what the hell you were talking about back then, but it has been awesome watching everything you said come true.’”

‘I don’t know if this is for me’

Coleman’s belief in his NFL dreams wavered only once.

His sophomore season at Syracuse was hard, harder than any season he’d faced before. Babers hired a new position coach, Steve Stanard, a “hard-ass” whose style rankled Coleman in their first season together. Two days before the Orange traveled to Baton Rouge to take on LSU, Coleman’s grandmother died, leaving him heartbroken.

And although he started eight games, Coleman was hit hard by two injuries. The first, a sprained metatarsal in his left foot, came in that LSU game and cost him a month. The second, a torn labrum in his left shoulder, limited him down the stretch.

Coleman had been through loss — he remembers losing a teacher in a car accident in third grade, lost three peers, including a teammate, at Cathedral to suicide — but this felt different, like everything was going in the wrong direction.

At his lowest point, Coleman thought about hanging up his cleats.

“I had called home, got on the phone with my parents and was like, ‘I’m lost,’ Coleman said. “’I don’t know if this is for me.’”

The plea did not find sympathetic ears.

Kevin and his wife, Nikola, knew their son was a little homesick, dealing with the transition to adult life, but they also knew his heart wasn’t into leaving football.

“The options we put on the table for him would push him totally away from quitting,” Kevin said. “You might just as well stay where you are, take advantage of your football talent, than come home, think you’re going to lay on my sofa and think you’re going to go to classes when you want to. I’ve got plans for you when you come home and you’re on my sofa.”

Kevin knew his son.

Coleman is not the type to make a rash, emotional decision. He’s a deep thinker, a defensive end who has dabbled in poetry since high school, since an assignment prompted him to start putting his emotions down on paper, doing it well enough and seriously enough that he read his poetry on stage at Syracuse.

Coleman thought about it for a week, called his parents back and told them he wasn’t quitting. He underwent surgery on the shoulder, sat out the spring and saw the game through the eyes of his coaches, then came back and turned in the breakout season that put him on the NFL’s radar.

“Seeing it from the opposite perspective, it gave a great understanding to what the coaches were trying to get done with us,” Coleman said. “And also, to what I need to accomplish in order to take that next step.”

A few weeks ago, Coleman and Stanard were talking on the phone, reminiscing about his time at Syracuse and about how Coleman had to deal with adversity and learn what his coach was trying to teach him.

Making connection via his dentist

The spring after that breakout junior season, Coleman got back on Mathis’ radar.

Coleman was at the dentist, of all places. While he was in the chair for a routine appointment, his dentist tells Coleman he’s heard about the way he’s been playing at Syracuse, that Robert Mathis lives right next door. If Coleman wanted to get in touch with a pass rushing legend, the dentist said, he could help set it up.

“I was like, ‘I’ve been coming to you for how long?’” Coleman said.

Coleman passed his number along, got on the phone with Mathis and struck up a relationship.

“I’ve kind of had him in the back of my head, in my ear since, kind of helping me through the rest of the process,” Coleman said. “Trying to make it to where he was.”

The closer Coleman got to the draft process, the more connections he had to Mathis, who left the Colts’ coaching staff last winter to become an independent contractor, serving as a pass rush specialist for the Gridiron Gang at Pro X. Coleman ended up signing with Mathis’ agent, Hadley Engelhard, but independently of the Colts legend, who let his young protege navigate that part of the process on his own. Engelhard and Coleman formed their own relationship, and after an incredible performance by Coleman at the East-West Shrine Game — NFL Network analyst Daniel Jeremiah called Coleman the defensive MVP of the game, citing his pass rushing moves — he came back to learn what Mathis has always done best.

When he worked for the Colts, Mathis was bound by the rules of the CBA, able to work with pass rushers only at NFL-approved times. By going out on his own, Mathis can do what he loves year-round, including working with Colts such as Justin Houston, Denico Autry and Kemoko Turay.

“I don’t really like teaching or coaching stuff that I’m a little shaky on or something that I have to learn on the fly,” Mathis said. “I want to coach pass rush. That’s what I did, that’s what I know.”

Working with Mathis has been better than Coleman could have dreamed. Coleman is one of three pass rushers, along with Miami of Ohio defensive tackle Doug Costin and CFL pass rusher Doug Kenney, training with Mathis, who works with former Colts defensive tackle Daniel Muir and Pro X’s performance trainer, Lee Campbell.

“In college, you’ve got at least six guys to a coach in a position group, if not more, and so it’s hard to get in there and fine-tune each and every guy,” Coleman said. “We’ve got three guys out here, three coaches, really. Somebody to always keep an eye on all the little details that make a difference in taking your game to the next level.”

‘Easy to get in the league; harder to stay’

Coleman is something of a sleeper prospect in this draft, far from one of the names the draft analysts are going to salivate over when the pass rushers take the field next Saturday night.

Robinson, his bookend at Syracuse, is that player; a top-10 defensive end according to ESPN’s Mel Kiper, a player who has motivated Coleman for years.

“The last three years, Alton’s been my biggest competition,” Coleman said. “I don’t think I’ve played against a defensive end or seen a defensive end on the other side of the field that makes me work as hard as Alton does, but that’s one of my best friends. … With his success, comes that challenge. I want to have that success, too.”

But working with Mathis is a lesson for Coleman, an opportunity to learn something that’s awfully hard to see for most rookies at this point in the process, fighting for the right to hear their name called as high as possible on draft night.

The stuff Mathis is teaching Coleman, the work he’s putting in at Pro X right now, is going to help him more when training camp opens in late July than it will during the Combine next week.

“It’s easy to get in the league; it’s harder to stay in the league,” Mathis said. “I’m teaching him how to stay in the league.”

Mathis was a fifth-round pick out of Alabama A&M in 2003, chosen long after the hype and the fanfare of the draft’s opening night had passed He became one of the greatest players in the history of the Indianapolis Colts.

It doesn’t matter how Coleman gets to the NFL.

What matters is what he does once he’s there.

There’s beauty in everything.

At least, that’s what Syracuse defensive end Kendall Coleman will tell you.

Coleman does his best work with his hands. As an edge rusher, penetrating the pocket requires a lot of precise hand movement. But when I say that Coleman does his best work with his hands, I’m not just talking about the inspiring work he does off the edge. Coleman also inspires others with another kind of handiwork.

On the surface, most people would probably wonder how or why a football player would get into poetry. But when you really think about it, the nature of the art form can make you wonder why more football players aren’t into it.

Writing, reading and listening to poetry can be incredibly reflective. It takes the mind to a place that is very relaxed and aware. It creates a heightened sense of normal, everyday things. It brings appreciation to the details.

For Coleman, intaking and expressing those truths in the form of poetry is hereditary — even if he didn’t know that when he first discovered his passion for it.

“My mom was writing poems when she was my age, and I didn’t know this at the time,” Coleman told TDN. “I had a [high] school assignment and we had to do some sort of art for the school assignment. You could either turn in a piece of home-created art or you could write a 15-page paper.”

A 15-page paper? If you asked me to do a 15-page essay near the end of my high school career, I’d probably try to find an easy way out of it.

Turns out Coleman did too.

“I was stressing out,” Coleman said with a laugh. “I was like, ‘I’m a senior in high school, I’m almost out of here and now you tell me I have to do this 15-page paper?’

“So we were getting closer to the due date and I thought, ‘You know what, poetry is art, so let me see if I can scrap something up real quick. I put it together. I thought it was alright. I turned it in and they were like, ‘Wow, you wrote this?'”

What started out as a loophole for an assignment turned into a way to tap into a passion he never knew he had, and a way to push himself outside his comfort zone — an exercise that certainly carries good practices in other areas of his life too.

“After I wrote [the first one], I wanted to see what else I could do with poetry,” Coleman said. “So, in my free time I started writing a little bit here, writing a little bit there and they told me that when I went off to Syracuse that they wanted me to continue that, see if I could broaden my horizons, get better at it and maybe get on stage with it.”

For Coleman, poetry is art. The way he sees it, poetry yields the same sort of inspiration as a more common medium.

Music.

“I feel like poetry and music are very similar,” Coleman said. “One of my favorite artists, J. Cole, I feel, is a poet in the way he presents his music.”

Coleman decided that he wasn’t going to “go out on top” after the first poem he wrote got him a passing grade and a scholarship to play football at Syracuse. When he arrived on campus, one of the ways Coleman spent his free time off the field was by continuing to write. After a while, he felt the confidence to get up on stage and read some of his own work.

“I got on the stage my freshman year at Syracuse,” Coleman said. “It was a little nerve-racking, but I’m glad I did it. I got some good remarks afterward. … I got a nice compliment after I got off the stage. He told me he ‘felt a J. Cole vibe from your poems where you were up there.’ That felt really cool.”

Coleman explained that poetry isn’t something that you have to spend months or years learning about before you do it. Instead, he said the best way to do it is to just start.

As for what he writes about, the answer is simple yet vast: everything.

“I just write about life,” he said. “I feel like there’s art and beauty in everything. I remember one day I was leaving campus, it had been a long day, the sun had started to set on the back of the campus, I was just walking to the bus and I looked up [saw the sky] and told myself, ‘I’d be an idiot to not write about this later.’ Anything that catches my attention. There’s art all around us.”

The 6-foot-2, 255-pound pass rusher was a four-year starter with the Orange. In 2018, he finished the season with 12.5 tackles for loss and 10 sacks. The following year he made it back-to-back double-digit tackles for loss to cap off a strong, productive college career.

Pass rushing is often called “poetry in motion” by those who know it best. There are so many moving parts, but when it all comes together, it flows. As someone who has plenty of experience in both pass rushing and poetry, Coleman said it’s not just a cool phrase; there definitely are similarities between the two.

“No doubt, at least for me,” Coleman said. “I know for some guys are a little bit more forceful in their pass rusher moves, but, for example, I’m more of a bender. So when I’m envisioning the curve of a pass rush, it’s the same way I look at the curves and the smoothness of a poem and how it all flows. That’s the same thing in a pass rush; it all has to flow, you have to feel it.”

Coleman approaches the pocket in similar ways to how he approaches a blank piece of paper. You have to have inspiration, you have to have a plan and the more you practice, the more natural it feels.

“My first move that I go to pretty confidently is an out-in-out,” he said. “It’s a way to set blockers up with a quick stutter, but when you make it flow they don’t know where you’re really going.

“Another move that I like is just shooting long arm and then dipping underneath to take off around the edge. … After that, I would say hitting a counter to one of those moves. Switching up the flow or what they’re expecting.”

Football is a barbaric game. It’s violence, speed and strength all rolled into one every second that ball is live. But the best will tell you that, when they need to make their move, the game slows down; it flows, you just feel it.

Coleman does his best work with his hands. Whether that’s poetry or football, the good thing is, both answers are true.

Pierre Desir is in the giving mood.

The Colts defensive back donated a weight room to his former high school, Francis Howell Central in Missouri. The “FHC Performance Center” will open during the Colts’ bye week in October so Desir can attend the ribbon-cutting ceremony.

The facility includes squat racks, weights embossed with the high school’s logo and a turf track that can be used to push weight sleds. It also includes murals on the walls of athletes in different sports and the motto “P.U.S.H.,” which stands for “Persistence, Utilize Opportunity, Sacrifice, Hustle.”

Desir graduated from Francis Howell Central in 2008 before attending Lindenwood University. He was the first Francis Howell Central player to ever be drafted into the NFL.

Email sports reporter Tyler Kraft at [email protected]. Follow him on Twitter or Facebook @bytylerkraft.

Bleacher Report thinks Tennessee Titans UDFA Alex Barnes is the one who is turning heads the most at training camp, but that’s a bit off the mark.

If you were to pick one Tennessee Titans UDFA who is turning heads at camp, it likely wouldn’t be running back Alex Barnes.

Bleacher Report’s Maurice Moton was tasked with picking one UDFA from every team’s training camp that is turning heads, and his choice for the Titans was Barnes.

Here’s Moton’s write-up on the Kansas State product.

Barnes comes into the league as a bigger ball-carrier (6’0?, 226 lbs) who can wiggle away from defenders in open space. Last year, he handled a large load at Kansas State, registering 256 carries for 1,355 yards and 12 touchdowns on the ground. The former Wildcat also flashed his pass-catching ability with 20 receptions for 194 yards. The rookie may push David Fluellen for his roster spot.

While Barnes has done a nice job in camp and had a ton of hype coming in, he’s been consistently outperformed by fellow back and former 2017 fifth-round pick, Jeremy McNichols, who has seen first-team reps in the absence of Derrick Henry.

That’s why I gave McNichols a shout out in a recent article about under-the-radarTitans players who could make the roster. He’s stepping up in a big way with Henry having been sidelined since the very first day of practice.

As far as Barnes pushing David Fluellen for a roster spot goes, chances are it won’t happen. Fluellen has bulked up during the offseason so that the Titans can use him as a fullback in 2019. Obviously, that fact also hurts McNichols’ prospects of making the team, as well.

Fluellen’s versatility in that regard gives him a leg up on every other running back aside from Henry and Dion Lewis. Even if Fluellen wasn’t in the picture, an argument can be made more for McNichols making the cut over Barnes at the moment.

The best hope either McNichols or Barnes have in making the roster is if the Titans carry four running backs. It’s certainly possible, but I wouldn’t bet on it.

The real answer: Derick Roberson

If I was going to pick one UDFA who has been turning heads at camp, it’s outside linebacker, Derick Roberson. In his final collegiate season at Sam Houston State, Roberson finished tied for the FCS lead in total sacks with 15.

That’s part of the reason I love his potential, but he’s also showing up in practice. Roberson is regularly beating the offensive lineman in front of him, and his speed and bend as a pass-rusher make him a force to be reckoned with.

In fact, keep an eye on him during the preseason. I have a feeling Roberson is going to make some noise and his name will be more well known once he sees some game action.

by Michael Moraitis

About a year ago, Hayden Hurst was high-stepping his way into the end zone in a joint practice against the Los Angeles Rams. The first-round pick looked like he was on his way to a big rookie year.

Then, a few weeks later, Hurst injured his foot and went under the knife. The injury derailed Hurst’s rookie season, in which he played in 12 games and made just 13 catches for 163 yards and one touchdown.

Fast forward, and Hurst says he’s back to that top form physically and ready to have a breakout sophomore season because of improvements in the mental side of the game.

“I feel a lot better than where I was at last year,” Hurst said. “My head was spinning a little bit last year, but everything is starting to slow down.”

Hurst made two big plays in Thursday’s practice, coming down with a juggling sideline catch and then a long touchdown on a busted coverage. Both highlighted, once again, what Hurst can offer with his unique blend of size and speed.

Ravens fans didn’t get much of a taste last season because Hurst sat out the first four games and by the time he returned, Mark Andrews was gobbling up much of the snaps and quarterback looks.

But this year, even though Andrews could be even more featured in Baltimore’s attack, Hurst will also see a lot more opportunities come his way. He says the biggest thing is understanding the playbook so coaches have the confidence to throw him into games.

“I feel like I’m making a lot of plays out there. I’m catching every ball that comes my way. I just go out there and do my job. I know what I’m capable of on a football field,” Hurst said.

“I know when you get injured, you kind of get put by the wayside, and I totally get that. You’re out of sight, you’re out of mind. But preseason last year I was doing some pretty good things, and I’m starting to do that this year. I’m just going to stay on the field and do what I do.”

The South Carolina product is 17 pounds heavier than he was last season, putting him at 264 pounds, but he doesn’t feel he’s lost any of his speed. He also feels like he’s moving people better at the point of attack as a blocker.

Veteran Pass Rushers Are Starting to Stand Out

Much of the pundits’ concern about the Ravens’ defense centers on the pass rush, but the two veterans Baltimore signed later in the offseason – Pernell McPhee and Shane Ray – are impressing in training camp.

Pernell McPhee caught Owner Steve Bisciotti’s attention at Saturday’s practice at M&T Bank Stadium. Standing next to Head Coach John Harbaugh, Bisciotti noted how good McPhee looked on a rush off the left side.

“People talk about, ‘He’s getting older,’ and, ‘He can’t move.’ He can move. He can run,” Harbaugh said. “He looked really explosive. He looks good to me.”“He’s the old guard, or the ‘OG,’ as the players say it, and you can see that power and that old Raven rough, tough mentality,” Defensive Coordinator Wink Martindale added the next day. “He’ll help bring that along with that group. We’re excited about our potential pass-rushing.”

Ray missed the first day of training camp practice, but he was ready to go the next day and has looked fast off the edge. On Thursday, Harbaugh agreed with a reporter’s assessment that Ray looks more comfortable now.

“I feel like Shane is starting to get a feel for the defense and starting to get his legs under him a little more, and he looks good,” Harbaugh said.

If McPhee and Ray can get back to producing at the level they were at a couple of years ago, it will greatly help the Ravens’ pass rush stay at a high level. McPhee posted 14 sacks with the Chicago Bears from 2015-2017 and Ray had eight sacks with the Denver Broncos in 2016.

Justice Hill’s Pass Protection Is Impressing Harbaugh

Everyone knew rookie running back Justice Hill was fast. So when he was difficult for Ravens linebackers to keep up with in one-on-one coverage drills Thursday, it wasn’t a surprise.

But what will help Hill see more time on the field is if he can be trusted in pass protection, and that’s what Harbaugh has noticed about the fourth-round pick, who stands in at 5-foot-10, 200 pounds.

“The thing I’ve been impressed with when the pads have been on, he’s looked solid in pass protection, which for a little bit of a smaller back is something you always concern yourself with,” Harbaugh said.

Harbaugh said he’ll have a better feel for the growth of the Ravens’ young running backs once the team practices and plays against other teams, such as the Jacksonville Jaguars beginning next week.

Ryan Mink
BALTIMORERAVENS.COM STAFF WRITER

The First Point

Georgia has produced a couple of quality NFL quarterbacks recently in Cam Newton (Westlake High) and Deshaun Watson (Gainesville), who are starring in the league for Carolina and Houston, respectively.

In the coming draft, former Mississippi State quarterback Nick Fitzgerald is an NFL draft prospect from Richmond Hill, which is about 20 miles southwest of Savannah.The NFL draft is set for April 25-27 in Nashville. In the coming years, Georgia’s Jake Fromm and Clemson’s Trevor Lawrence will go through the NFL draft process.Fitzgerald, who was unheralded coming out of high school, went on to have a productive career as a three-year starter for the Bulldogs and is attracting interests from NFL teams.

“Most of the teams that I’ve talked to told me that they want me as a quarterback and that’s it,” Fitzgerald told The Atlanta Journal-Constitution via phone Thursday. “I’m really excited about that because I think that’s the position I should be playing as well. Some have kind of mentioned playing quarterback, but also maybe doing some special teams or something like that. That’s just an easier way for me to get on an active roster.”

The Second Point

Fitzgerald, who’s 6-foot-5 and 230 pounds, completed 511 of 942 passes (54.2 percent) for 6,207 yards. He threw 55 touchdown passes and had 30 interceptions.He rushed for more than 1,000 yards in two seasons as he finished with 3,504 yards rushing on 581 carries and scored 45 touchdowns on the ground.

“They all think that I have great size,” Fitzgerald said. “So, I pass the eye test. I have an extremely strong arm. I think I have a talented arm. I just have to work on my consistency with it.”Fitzgerald is still a diamond in the rough. He didn’t play quarterback until he was a senior in high school and he played in a triple-option attack. “He has all of the measurables,” said his cousin Charles Pledger, who played at Georgia (1990-94) and has been a mentor and adviser to Fitzgerald. “You look at a Jake Fromm, a lot of these quarterbacks around the SEC, they’ve been dealing with quarterback coaches since they were kids in middle school.“Nick didn’t play quarterback until his senior year in high school. He started three years at Mississippi State. He’s a raw talent. Obviously, he’s proven that he’s athletic, and I think the best football is ahead of him.”Fitzgerald participated in the scouting combine.

  • “I’ve been working
  • out on my own,” Fitzg
  • erald said. “I’ve really enjo
  • yed the whole process. I had
  • a good showing at the combine.
  • I had a good showing at my pro day. I j
  • ust kind of been enjoying the freedom of not h
  • aving to work out all day.”
The Third Point

In 2015, Fitzgerald backed up Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott at Mississippi State. “My career at Mississippi State was definitely one with a lot of memories in it,” Fitzgerald said. “A lot of good ones, but some bad ones, too.”When Dan Mullen left to take the Florida job after the 2017 season, the Bulldogs fortunes begin to dip.“Throughout my career I had some high points and a couple of low points,” Fitzgerald said. “I think that everybody has those, but I wouldn’t change anything about my college career…I’m definitely ready to move on to the next level.”Fitzgerald believes that with some more polish, he can become a fine NFL passer. “My accuracy wasn’t always there, but I had a lot of passing yards and success through the air throughout my career,”

The Third Point

Fitzgerald said. “I still have a very high ceiling. I have a lot of things to get better at. It’s only going to increase my skill level and therefore increase my productivity.” Fitzgerald has some pocket awareness and ability to escape from pass rushers. “They are going to be impressed with how I extend plays and get out of the pocket,” Fitzgerald said. “Break a tackle if I have to.”Teams what to know what Fitzgerald was able to learn from Prescott.“While we were in college together I learned a lot from him,” Fitzgerald said. “He was always happy to help and explain something within the offense if I needed it. Then he graduated and went on to do this own thing. I tried to use what I learned from him and continued on being myself.”

By D. Orlando Ledbetter,
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

The Indianapolis Colts are re-signing cornerback Pierre Desir, a source told ESPN.

Desir will get a three-year, $25 million deal that includes $12 million guaranteed, a source told ESPN’s Adam Schefter.

Desir will be rejoining a cornerback group that also features Kenny Moore and Quincy Wilson.

The 28-year-old was arguably the Colts’ best cornerback last season after having his 2017 season cut short due to a shoulder injury.

Last season was just the second time in Desir’s five-year career that he played at least nine games in a season. He finished with 60 tackles and an interception while starting 12 of the 16 games that he played in.

Desir played with the Browns and Chargers before joining the Colts in 2017. Cleveland selected him in the fourth round (127th overall) of the 2014 draft.